By Catnip Staff — the only newsroom where the interns keep saying “be so for real right now” into Slack
EVANSTON, IL — Northwestern students awoke Tuesday morning to terrifying, world-shaking news: the Marriage Pact algorithm had been hacked—and every single hacked match pointed to the same person.
Professor Jacqueline Babb.
Integrated Marketing Communications. Medill. And, apparently, Northwestern’s most aggressively marketed romantic prospect of 2025.
The chaos began when Fizz exploded with posts like “did everyone else get matched w/ Babb or am I tripping?” and “my soulmate is literally my professor help.” Students quickly realized this was no glitch: hundreds of students had all received perfect-match notifications linking them directly to the same IMC professor.
According to internal logs leaked anonymously to Catnip (we see you, bored TA), Babb used her marketing expertise to “optimize visibility,” “expand romantic reach,” and “boost conversion rates”—which seems to be IMC-speak for “rigged the algorithm so she matched with half the student body.”
Twelve First Dates a Day. The Syllabus Is Crying.
Since Monday, Babb has reportedly been juggling up to 12 first dates daily, sprinting from BrewBike to Norris to the Lakefill with the dazed efficiency of someone who has read too many case studies about customer funnels.
“She literally cancelled class because she had a ‘double-booked soulmate block,’” said one concerned sophomore. “She said it was a ‘teachable moment in brand engagement.’ Bro. What.”
Another student described seeing the professor “speed-walking into Kresge with two iced matchas and a pros/cons list,” adding, “She looked like she was about to A/B test these dudes.”
The Romance Strategy: Full-Send IMC
Sources close to Babb say she has fully embraced her new romantic empire.
She’s allegedly:
- Ditched her Tinder, Bumble, AND Hinge accounts because “organic reach is outperforming paid campaigns”
- Developed a 3-phase relationship funnel in Notion
- Preemptively registered for a wedding-registry workshop at Williams-Sonoma
- Started a Pinterest board titled “China Patterns for Soulmate Synergy”
“She told me, ‘Remember: love is just a brand narrative,’” said one match who ended their date early because, quote, “I am not trying to get soft-launched on a professor’s Instagram.”
Students Are… Not Handling This Well
Reactions across campus range from mildly disturbed to “I am transferring.”
A Weinberg junior told Catnip, “I opened my match email and literally screamed. Like, actually screamed. Out loud. In Mudd. People stared.”
A McCormick freshman was even more blunt: “This is some Black Mirror behavior. I swear she targeted us. Like she ran segmentation testing on our vibes.”
One RTVF senior said he felt violated on a creative level:
“She pitched our date as a ‘collab.’ I’m not a brand. I’m a guy who eats Pop-Tarts for dinner. What does she want from me?”
Even Norris employees are shaken.
“I’ve seen her go on five dates in the same chair,” said one barista. “She just switches out the guy and keeps the same drink order. That’s villain behavior.”
Expansion into Hotter Markets
Rumors are now spreading far beyond the frigid shores of Lake Michigan.
Reports from UCSB and the University of Florida suggest Babb may have hacked their Marriage Pacts too, with students at both campuses posting screenshots showing they were matched with “some Northwestern marketing lady???” A UF sophomore wrote, “why is my soulmate a professor from CHICAGO,” while a UCSB student simply asked, “is this woman trying to move here or what?”
Experts say the pattern is clear: she’s targeting warmer climates, presumably to optimize “sunset date conversion metrics.”
Meanwhile… One Student Is Down Bad
Not everyone is horrified. Catnip found one unnamed undergrad lingering outside the Medill building with a hopeful, slightly delusional smile.
“Look, yeah, it’s weird she hacked it,” he admitted. “But like… she’s kinda bad?”
He shrugged, trying very hard to play it cool.
“I mean, sure, she’s a professor. But she’s got something, y’know? Like main-character-energy.”
When asked what he thought their future might look like, he pushed his hair back and gazed into the distance.
“I could see us having kids or whatever,” he said. “Not now. Not until after I get my degree. But like… someday.”
Northwestern, please. Get your faculty off Marriage Pact.