EVANSTON, IL — What began as a wholesome stress-relief initiative ended in chaos Tuesday afternoon when Northwestern University junior Emily Davenport was reportedly “lightly mauled” by a pack of overstimulated felines at the school’s newly opened “Purrington’s Study Spot” cat café.
According to witnesses, Davenport entered the café “with the aura of someone who hadn’t slept since syllabus week,” carrying three laptops, a latte, and what appeared to be the faint hope of passing organic chemistry. Moments after sitting down, she was swarmed by what café employees are calling “a highly affectionate cluster of therapy cats.”
“I think the cats just sensed the panic,” said sophomore barista and part-time philosophy major Kyle Renshaw. “They can smell anxiety. It’s like blood in the water.”
Patrons reported that the incident escalated when Davenport attempted to move a particularly territorial calico named Sir Pounce-a-Lot off her notes. “She said, ‘I just need to finish my lab report,’ and the cat said, ‘No,’” recalled fellow student Jenna Kim, who live-streamed the entire event to TikTok, where the hashtag #NorthwesternCatAttack has since garnered over 3.8 million views.
Eyewitnesses say the ensuing melee involved at least six cats, a spilled oat-milk latte, and “a horrifying amount of fur.” Davenport reportedly fled the café screaming, “I just wanted serotonin!” before tripping over a cat tree.
Campus police arrived on the scene within minutes but were unable to apprehend the primary suspect, Sir Pounce-a-Lot, who has since gone into hiding behind the espresso machine. “He’s a wily one,” said Officer Martha DeLuca, who sustained minor scratches while attempting to lure the cat out with tuna treats.
University officials released a statement expressing regret over the “unfortunate incident,” emphasizing that the cat café was designed to promote “mental health, mindfulness, and the soothing presence of small, clawed mammals.” The statement went on to assure students that future café programming would include “mandatory cat etiquette training” and “reinforced gloves for finals week.”
When reached for comment, Davenport—recovering with minor injuries and an emotional support ferret—said she still supports the café’s mission. “Honestly, the cats just embodied my internal state. I respect that,” she told reporters. “They were stressed, I was stressed. It’s a Northwestern thing.”
In unrelated news, the University Counseling Center has reported a record surge in appointments labeled “cat-related trauma.”