LOS ANGELES, CA — In a collaboration no one asked for but everyone saw coming, minimalist teen clothing brand Brandy Melville announced a new partnership with pharmaceutical giant Novo Nordisk, the maker of Ozempic, in what the companies are calling a “cross-industry wellness alignment.”
The campaign, titled “One Size Fits Fewer,” promises to “redefine aspirational living” by combining Brandy’s famously microscopic clothing with Ozempic’s famously microscopic appetites.
“We’ve always been about a lifestyle — effortless, aspirational, vaguely Italian,” said Brandy Melville spokesperson Giulia DeLuca, whose job title is reportedly “Creative Director of Vibes.” “Now, with Ozempic, our customers can truly fit the brand, emotionally and physically.”
The announcement came via a press release printed entirely in lowercase Helvetica and accompanied by a muted TikTok video showing models whispering “portion control” over acoustic Phoebe Bridgers covers.
According to the partnership details, customers who purchase a full-price Brandy outfit will now receive a complimentary “starter vial” of Ozempic and a handwritten note reading “you’re like, literally so curated.”
Medical professionals have already raised concerns. “This is medically absurd,” said endocrinologist Dr. Alan Shore. “But as a marketing move, it’s… disturbingly brilliant.”
In response to backlash, Brandy Melville insisted the collaboration promotes “mindful aesthetics” rather than body standards. “We’re not telling anyone what to look like,” said DeLuca. “We’re just saying if you do want to look like a mannequin that interns in Capri, we now have a subscription model.”
The new initiative includes a loyalty program called BrandyBody+, which tracks both purchases and waist circumference. Customers who “maintain visual alignment with brand goals” earn early access to limited-edition items like the ‘Calorie Deficit Crop Top’ and ‘Fettuccine Fear Denim.’
Social media reaction was swift. “So now Brandy Melville is literally injecting body image issues into teenagers?” tweeted one critic. Others defended the move, noting that “at least it’s honest now.”
Industry analysts predict rival brands will soon follow suit. Abercrombie is rumored to be exploring a deal with Adderall, while Lululemon has allegedly trademarked the phrase “athleisure anorexia.”
Meanwhile, Brandy Melville is moving forward with its next venture — a wellness retreat in Lake Como featuring silent dinners, Polaroid headshots, and “metabolic mindfulness workshops” taught by influencers who think the pancreas is a skincare brand.
When asked if the partnership might alienate customers who don’t fit the brand’s narrow image, DeLuca smiled faintly and replied, “That’s sort of the point.”