EVANSTON, IL — The Purdue Boilermakers suffered a devastating 19–0 shutout at Northwestern Medicine Field at Martin Stadium on Family Weekend — but the real loss came when visiting students learned, mid-game, that trains and boats no longer run on steam.
The revelation struck harder than any Wildcats tackle.
“I thought we still used steam, bro!” said sophomore engineering major and self-proclaimed “pressure systems influencer” Tyler Griggs, clutching his foam smokestack hat in disbelief. “What do we even boil now? Just vibes?”
The shocking discovery came during a halftime trivia segment called “Fun Facts About Modern Transit.” When the Jumbotron displayed the words “Trains are now powered by diesel-electric engines,” several Purdue fans reportedly screamed, “FAKE NEWS!” before Googling furiously.
Witnesses described the scene as “emotional chaos.” Some students were seen waving their Purdue scarves in the air shouting, “Bring back the boilers!” while others gathered near the concessions stand attempting to heat nacho cheese “the old-fashioned way.”
“First we lost the game, then we lost steam power. I feel like my whole major just went obsolete,” muttered junior mechanical engineering student Sarah Pruett. “My résumé literally says ‘Fluent in Boiler.’ What am I supposed to do now — learn solar?”
As Northwestern fans chanted “STEAM IS DEAD” and “WE RUN ON WI-FI,” Purdue’s band tried to rally the visitors with a mournful rendition of “I’ve Been Working on the Railroad.” Unfortunately, the sousaphone section broke down crying halfway through.
Meanwhile, career anxiety rippled through the stands. “My grandpa was a Boilermaker, his dad was a Boilermaker, and now I’m gonna be… what? A Hydrogen Consultant?” said senior Jake Larson, checking Indeed listings between plays. “I thought I’d be fixing engines. Now it’s all just code and clean energy grants.”
One panicked sophomore even called his parents mid-fourth quarter: “Dad, cancel the steam internship! It’s OVER!”
When the final whistle blew, Northwestern students celebrated their shutout while Purdue’s faithful held a candlelight vigil for steam technology and self-worth. Pete the Boilermaker was seen quietly removing soot from his face, whispering, “They told me progress was good, but this feels… cold.”
University officials later announced that counseling services and “Intro to Renewable Energy Denial” workshops would be available Monday morning.
As of press time, several Purdue students were last seen huddled around a space heater in the parking lot, vowing to “reignite the flame—metaphorically, if not thermodynamically.”