EVANSTON, IL — In a move that has left students both baffled and deeply impressed, former Northwestern president Michael Schill was reportedly seen guarding The Rock in the dead of night—disguised in a hoodie and sunglasses—before painting his LinkedIn profile on it.
Witnesses say Schill arrived around 3:15 a.m. carrying a folding chair, a Yeti mug of coffee, and what one student described as “the haunted confidence of a man who has tenure but no chill.”
“He told us he was just ‘Mike, local alum,’” said sophomore Serena Patel. “But then he started reciting his professional summary out loud—‘Innovative higher education leader driving institutional excellence’—and we were like, oh my God, it’s Schill.”
After six hours of solitary vigilance, Schill unveiled his masterpiece at sunrise: a massive purple-and-white mural reading ‘Michael H. Schill – Visionary University President | Strategic Innovator | Lifelong Learner – Connect with me on LinkedIn.’ It even featured a tasteful rendering of the LinkedIn “in” logo and a QR code linking directly to his profile.
Unfortunately, Schill’s digital-age career pivot was short-lived. At approximately 8:45 a.m., witnesses say a lone warrior from the Belegarth Medieval Combat Society emerged from behind Norris armed with a foam broadsword, a shield made from a pizza box, and “the righteous fury of a man who’s been waiting for this moment since freshman year.”
“He bellowed something about ‘defending the realm of authenticity’ before repainting the Rock with a dragon and the words ‘By steel and spray paint, we claim this land for Belegarth!’” said a campus tour guide who was forced to explain the scene to prospective students.
By 9:00 a.m., Schill’s LinkedIn promo had been completely covered over. His QR code now redirected to a medieval-themed Google Doc titled ‘Honor Code of the Knights of North Campus.’
Reached for comment, Schill was philosophical. “In leadership—and apparently, in Evanston—you have to be prepared to be overthrown by a man with a foam sword,” he said. “Still, if anyone’s hiring, my DMs are open.”
By noon, students had already begun rating his paint job on LinkedIn:
⭐ “Strong brush technique.”
⭐ “Engaged with emerging platforms.”
⭐ “Would endorse for resilience.”