“We Thought It Was Weird They Brought Helmets,” Says Michigan Catcher
CHICAGO, IL — In what sports historians are already calling “the most humiliating victory in NCAA history,” the University of Michigan baseball team accidentally defeated Northwestern’s football team 24–22 Saturday at Wrigley Field after a scheduling confusion that officials have described as “a prank gone far too right.”
According to multiple sources within Northwestern’s athletic department, the Wildcats deliberately chose Wrigley Field—a baseball stadium—as the venue for their upcoming football game against Michigan, allegedly to “create some pregame chaos and mental confusion.”
“We just thought, you know, Michigan might see ‘Wrigley Field’ and send their baseball team by mistake,” said Northwestern head coach David Braun, moments before resigning mid-press conference. “It was supposed to be a harmless psychological trick. I didn’t think it would actually work.”
It worked.
“They Were Just So Polite About It,” Says Linebacker
When the Michigan baseball team arrived Saturday morning, players reportedly assumed they were participating in a charitable exhibition game or a weird NIL promotion. “Coach just told us, ‘Get on the bus, we’re playing Northwestern at Wrigley,’” said Michigan catcher Tyler McDougal, still wearing his chest protector. “We figured it was some fall scrimmage. Then these giant dudes in shoulder pads started doing wind sprints, and we were like, huh, okay.”
Despite the confusion, referees—unwilling to admit they’d lost control of the situation—declared the game official when both teams lined up for kickoff.
“The first play, our shortstop caught the kickoff bare-handed and threw it to first base,” McDougal continued. “They didn’t know what to do. We just kind of… kept scoring.”
Baseball Team “Executed Small-Ball Perfectly,” Analysts Say
ESPN analyst Kirk Herbstreit praised Michigan’s “fundamentally sound play,” noting the Wolverines “excelled in situational football despite not knowing what a down was.”
“They were bunting on third-and-long,” Herbstreit said. “Northwestern had no answer for that kind of discipline.”
By halftime, the score was a very baseball-esque 7-6 in Michigan’s favor. However, Michigan had racked up 386 rushing yards—all while wearing metal cleats and chewing sunflower seeds. Northwestern’s only first half points came when Michigan’s left fielder accidentally ran the wrong way after catching a punt, mistaking it for a pop fly.
Northwestern Issues Statement, Calls Loss “A Teachable Moment About Overthinking Things”
In a brief postgame statement, Northwestern’s athletic director Dr. Derrick Gragg described the event as “a regrettable administrative misunderstanding and also, apparently, a regulation NCAA contest.”
“We underestimated Michigan’s ability to adapt,” the statement read. “Also, their bullpen is terrifying.”
When asked for comment, Michigan’s baseball coach Tracy Smith admitted his team only realized it had played a football game “around the third quarter.”
“I saw a guy trying to tackle our right fielder,” Smith said. “That’s when I thought, ‘This isn’t intramural softball, is it?’ But we were cruising in the second half, so we just let the boys play.”
The victory was sealed when Michigan’s designated hitter, Pablo Escobar, booted a game-winning field goal as time expired on the game clock. “Mentally, I just went back to my youth playing soccer on the dirt fields back home in the DR,” Escobar said of his kick. “They put me in, I closed my eyes and the rest is history. I always wanted to play at Wrigley. Soccer, football – whatever.”
Fans Applaud “Purest Form of Big Ten Football Ever”
By the fourth quarter, Wrigley Field’s 40,000 fans were reportedly “completely invested in the chaos,” chanting “RUN IT BACK TO FENWAY!” and “BASEBALL’S A CONTACT SPORT!”
Final score: Michigan Baseball 24, Northwestern Football 22.
At press time, NCAA officials confirmed the result would stand, citing “a lack of precedent and general amusement.” Meanwhile, Michigan’s football coach Sherrone Moore has petitioned to have his team face Northwestern’s debate club next weekend “just to even things out.”
NEXT WEEK: The ‘Cats take on the Minnesota Golden Gophers in part deux of the Wrigley Series. No word yet on which Gophers team might actually take the field.