STATE COLLEGE, PA — In a post-loss press conference that left reporters scratching their heads and math teachers weeping, Penn State head coach James Franklin, fresh off a 22-21 upset loss to Northwestern, declared unwaveringly that the Big Ten still has exactly ten teams.
“Ten. That’s the magic number,” Franklin said, staring down the microphone as though it were an aggressive safety blitz. “I don’t know where this talk of seventeen or eighteen comes from. Must be a misprint on the TV.”
When asked about the fact that the conference includes schools like USC, UCLA, Oregon and Washington, Franklin wrinkled his brow.
“Those are—uh—associate members. Exchange students, maybe. I mean, I don’t count them in the Big Ten count. Simple math, ten fingers, ten teams.”
He proceeded to pull out a checklist from his pocket labeled “Real Big Ten Schools,” on which he had crossed out each new member with a red Sharpie and replaced them with blanks. When pressed about the glaring discrepancy, he shrugged:
“Hey, maybe I lost count somewhere. But I feel it. It’s ten. It’s always been ten.”
The remark came shortly after Penn State’s home loss to Northwestern, which ended with fans chanting “Fire Franklin!” and left the program teetering on a steep decline. Reuters+1 Observers noted the timing wasn’t ideal for proclaiming mastery of arithmetic.
One reporter asked how his team could possibly reset after the blowout. Franklin blinked twice and answered:
“We’ll reset. We’ll reboot. Kind of like a remote control—stuck on channel ten, but I’m switching it to ten different shows.”
When reminded that channel ten doesn’t mean ten teams, he shrugged again and said:
“Well I’m not changing the channel. I like the number ten.”
By the end of the session, Franklin reportedly asked for a laminated nameplate reading: “Coach of the Real Big Ten (10 Teams Edition)”, and muttered something about “teaching geography next week, if time allows.”
At press time, Penn State’s math department was reportedly offering extra credit to anyone who could explain why ten plus eight still somehow equals ten.
Ed: Shortly after press time, Penn State Coach James Franklin was fired and replaced by Interim Head Coach Terry Smith who, by all accounts, can count to at least 16.