SEOUL, SOUTH KOREA — During a recent press conference with South Korean president Lee Jae Myung, President Donald Trump unexpectedly announced that he would restore Northwestern University’s suspended federal research funding—but only if the interim Northwestern president apologizes and says, quote, “pretty please, with a cherry on top.”
“I love Northwestern. Great school, tremendous school, a lot of smart people—some say too smart, actually,” Trump told a confused crowd in Seoul. “But they were very nasty to me. Very unfair. They can get their money back when they show some manners. The best manners. The classiest manners.”
According to sources, Trump’s “cherry clause” appeared to be an unscripted addition to his remarks. When pressed for clarification, administration aides reportedly stared blankly before one finally whispered, “We have no idea where the cherry goes.”
Interim Northwestern President Dr. Henry S. Bienen, caught mid-lab tour when the news broke, declined immediate comment but was later seen consulting with the university’s linguistics department to determine whether “pretty please” constituted a formal speech act under federal appropriations law.
Northwestern political science professor Adam Levine (no relation) called the demand “legally nonsensical but grammatically fascinating.”
“If this becomes precedent,” Levine said, “future grants may require phrases like ‘with sugar on top,’ or possibly even a wink emoji.”
Students were quick to respond. Within hours, The Rock was painted bright pink with the phrase: “Pretty Please, Mr. President 🍒” and a QR code linking to a GoFundMe titled “Buy Northwestern Its Own Cherry.”
The administration later confirmed that no actual cherry has been located, though rumors circulated that one was spotted near Norris Center, guarded by a member of the Medieval Combat Society “for national security purposes.”
Asked by reporters where, exactly, he expected the cherry to go, Trump replied, “Maybe on the top of The Arch, maybe on a sundae—nobody knows—but it’s going to be beautiful. Everybody says so. The best cherry. Tremendous cherry.”
At press time, Northwestern students were still debating whether this was the weirdest federal funding requirement in school history, or just another normal Friday.