REVEALED: NU Study Definitively Determines Attention Span of Catnip Readers
EVANSTON, IL – 1.8 seconds.
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Nobel Laureate Joel Mokyr’s Secret OnlyFans Career Exposed, Economics Community Unsure Whether to Be Shocked or… Impressed
EVANSTON, IL — Fresh off his Nobel Prize win, Northwestern University’s own Joel Mokyr has suddenly found himself the center of a scandal so bizarrely wholesome-turned-provocative that even the most seasoned econ journalists aren’t…
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Northwestern Wins Field Hockey National Championship in Double OT, Princeton Literally Sh*ts Their Pants
DURHAM, N.C. — Northwestern didn’t just win a national championship on Sunday — they unintentionally created the most spectacular, horrifying, and frankly unbelievable mass pants-shitting incident in the history of organized sports. The Wildcats…
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Former Northwestern President Caught Guarding The Rock in Disguise to Paint His LinkedIn Profile—Defeated by Medieval Combat Society in 90 Minutes
EVANSTON, IL — In a move that has left students both baffled and deeply impressed, former Northwestern president Michael Schill was reportedly seen guarding The Rock in the dead of night—disguised in a hoodie and sunglasses—before painting his LinkedIn profile on…
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Michigan Baseball Team Squeaks Out a Victory Over Northwestern Football Squad At Wrigley After Deception Gone Awry
“We Thought It Was Weird They Brought Helmets,” Says Michigan Catcher CHICAGO, IL — In what sports historians are already calling “the most humiliating victory in NCAA history,” the University of Michigan baseball team…
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Marriage Pact Hacked! Medill Prof Has 450 First Dates!
By Catnip Staff — the only newsroom where the interns keep saying “be so for real right now” into Slack EVANSTON, IL — Northwestern students awoke Tuesday morning to terrifying, world-shaking news: the Marriage…
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